


How Do I Live

by amamiya_toki



Series: Memento Mori [1]
Category: IDOLiSH7 (Video Game)
Genre: Character Death, Established Relationship, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV First Person, Sibling Incest, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-28
Updated: 2016-10-28
Packaged: 2018-08-27 12:39:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8402065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amamiya_toki/pseuds/amamiya_toki
Summary: To Nanase Riku, Kujou Tenn was the world to him. They weren't just brothers by blood, but lovers who were inseparable. For Riku, Tenn was everything to him. But when an unexpected incident tears them apart he finds himself lost and alone, losing the strength and will to live on.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Named after LeAnn Rimes' song of the same name.
> 
> I started writing this on the 10th of July and only finished it today on the 28th of October. If you had followed my fics since my FFn/KnB days, you may know that this tone/type of fics are pretty recurring when I need to let negative energy out.
> 
> Written in Riku's POV. 
> 
> And there is a difference between my usage of "I will"s and "I'll"s in the narration. It was not a mistake on my part because I would have noticed it during my grammarly check.
> 
> Enjoy!

Kujou Tenn is dead.

It was an unexpected, unfortunate event. During TRIGGER's live concert, a young woman who was a fan had snuck into the backstage area. With a knife in hand, she stabbed the group's centre, just as he and the rest of his group were stepping back onto the stage for the encore. She landed two blows: the first had been on his back near his left shoulder. The other had been aimed at his chest—at his heart but missed, sinking the blade into his upper abdomen instead.

The incident had not gone unnoticed by the crowd, which had been thrown into a panic. The staff members quickly apprehended the woman as she tried to escape and quickly informed the police. In the meantime, their manager Anesagi-san called for an ambulance while the rest of the group tried to stop the bleeding. However, the knife was still embedded in him; it had gone in too deep and it was too dangerous to remove. The ambulance arrived in about ten minutes later, but he had already lost consciousness by then.

By the time he was brought to the hospital, it was too late. He had lost far too much blood and was pronounced dead upon arrival.

Even I, who had been watching from the crowd, was shocked by what had happened. The next thing I knew, I was running towards the backstage area, ignoring the fact that my lungs were starting to strain from the burst of activity. When I was stopped by the staff at the entrance where some fans were already gathered to demand updates of the situation, I did not hesitate to throw my disguise away in order to force my way in. Recognising who I was, they allowed me to enter.

When I arrived at where Tenn-nii was, the curtains had been drawn. Yaotome-san and Tsunashi-san were still by his side, trying to keep him awake and, with empty hope, alive.

Horror was the first sensation that gripped me. At that moment, I felt as if I had lost the ability to breathe. My legs were trembling, just as my entire body was. They gave way and I found myself on the ground next to him. As I called out to him, tears were welling up in my eyes.

This could not be happening, was the only thought that could form in my head. It replayed in an infinite loop as those tears began to roll down my cheeks.

My voice, which I did my best to force out as my throat becomes more constricted, kept calling out his name. He noticed and forced a smile, as he reached out to hold my hand. He managed to speak out my name, gently with a small smile but obviously in pain, before he closed his eyes. He never opened them again.

When the ambulance came for him, the paramedics quickly did their work. I could not take my eyes off Tenn-nii the entire time. Even though I was fully aware of my surroundings, such as when Iori and the rest came running after me and Tsunashi-san asking if I could stand as he was being moved onto the stretcher, I was unable to respond.

As Tenn-nii was being loaded onto the vehicle, I was told that I was allowed to go with their manager and Tsunashi-san as Yaotome-san remained to handle and clean up the situation with the staff on site. Our manager had given her approval for this arrangement. I sat next to Tsunashi-san, whose large presence felt somewhat assuring, similar to the way that a pillar supports a building.

During what felt like the longest ten-minute ride to the hospital, I prayed that he would survive. Tenn-nii had always been strong, he would always pull through no matter what happens. Those hopes, however, were terribly betrayed.

After this everything just happened so suddenly, so quickly that it was a blur to me.

Tsunashi-san had asked to borrow my smartphone to contact my parents; I did not realise that I had lent it to him until they arrived at the hospital much later. Around this time, the doctor had come to bring unfortunate news. They next thing that came to my attention was the sound of my mother crying, breaking down in tears in my father's arms. He had tried to comfort her with hushed words, but I could tell that he was doing his best not to cry as well.

As for me... I did not know how to react. I was unable to react to all the events unfolding in front of me. It all did not feel real. I could not accept what was happening as being real.

The entire time, I felt as if I had died along with Tenn-nii. It was as if my heart had been ripped out of my body; I could not feel anything: pain, sadness, anguish... nothing at all. I could not even shed a single tear.

A private funeral was held in our home, in the house that we were raised in. There was no one present who did not mourn his death, yet everyone simply returned to their ordinary daily lives after that. In my eyes, they did not see it to be a matter of great matter of concern.

With the loss of their centre, the remaining two members of TRIGGER chose to disband. Yaotome-san continued working as a talent under his father's agency while Tsunashi-san decided to retire, taking up the position of a teacher and mentor in the talent school affiliated to the agency instead.

In addition, the news of the attack was heavily featured across all media platforms, having been spread quickly on social media channels. The woman who had killed Tenn-nii was discovered to have been under a delusion, believing that by killing him he would belong to her. It was a typical thing one would see in fiction. However, that was not what the attention-hungry people of the media had focused on.

During this incident, the connection between me and Tenn-nii, that we were twin brothers related by blood, was once again brought up and this time confirmed. The president of our agency and Yaotome-san's father worked to quell the situation, but the damage had been done.

The president had been kind, allowing me to take time off work. He had claimed that it was to keep me out of the media's eyes and I am grateful for his kindness. However, I know that it was not the real reason: I was no longer able to remain as an idol.

In the first place, becoming an idol was something that I would not have thought of becoming. It was Tenn-nii who inspired me to become one. I only chose that road because it was the only way I could be with him. I knew it was not easy, but I worked hard to chase after him. I wanted to be next to him. I wanted to be his equal. I wanted to see and feel the same things that he did. That was why I chose to be an idol.

Now that he is gone, everything changed. I could not see and feel everything as I had before. I could not smile and laugh as I used to. I could no longer be the Nanase Riku everyone had once known. The hole that was left when Tenn-nii departed from this world was far too large. Mitsuki-san and the rest had tried their best to cheer me up, but their kind words and encouraging smiles did not reach me.

It is not an exaggeration to say that Tenn-nii was everything to me. He was the like the sun in my sky, who brightens up my world and everything in it. No. That is not it. He was the world to me, my entire world. Without him, I have nothing.  
  
From the moment we were in our mother's womb, we were together. After we were born, we were brought up alongside each other. As we grew bigger and older we ended up spending more time together more than with anyone else, even our parents. Five long years of separation did nothing to the strong bond that we had, as we loved each other more than anyone else in the world. There are times when one of us had hurt the other, by our actions or words. However, there was nothing that could not be forgiven.

I can still recall the birthday surprise that everyone had planned for us, on the day we became adults. Things had gone a little sour between the both of us before that day, but neither of us had the courage to take the first step to make up with the other. We were afraid that the hurt we had caused could not be healed. But on that day, Tenn-nii was more gentle than he had ever been before as he comforted me to dry the tears that I could not hold back. That day, we embraced each other for the first time in a long while, seven years after he had left home and two after our reunion. It made me feel as if the time we had been separated, when he had pushed me away, had been nothing but a bad dream.

The cake we shared was made for us by Iori and Mitsuki-san, and it was delicious than we had expected. There were also presents prepared by everyone, who had been considerate to give us some private time together amidst our packed schedules. However, it was Tenn-nii who prepared the biggest surprise of all. For the second time that day, tears started to well up in my eyes as he held my left hand tenderly in his palm, sliding a plain band of golden metal onto my ring finger.

 _"I might not be able to make you happy,"_ were the words he spoke slowly and softly as he bent down to place a kiss on that finger. _"But I want you to be mine. I love you."_

I had never been happier than I was that day and I am sure Tenn-nii felt the same. He, too, had tears of happiness in his eyes as I told him how much I loved him, our fingers laced tight together.

That night, Tenn-nii made love to me. It was the first time for the both of us, but he was gentle and sweet. He treated me as if I was his treasure, the most precious thing in his life. His kisses and every touch were nothing but a profession of his love to me. When our bodies became one so did our souls, as if having finally found the other half that each had been seeking.

From that time, we continued living our lives no longer as brothers, but as lovers.

Of course being the center of our respective groups we still remained rivals, but our relationship had improved considerably. Work was more than enough to keep up occupied, but somehow we were able to make time for each other. Sometimes we would head out for meals together in between or after work, or if we happened to be at the same studio sneak into each other's dressing rooms for a little bit of time together. Tenn-nii was even daring enough to sneak a kiss while we were backstage when no one was looking.

It was funny how I had first thought that spending time with him was supposed to be no different than when we were children, yet I find myself getting caught by surprise by all the little things he did to me. Perhaps it was because I was still naive, not fully understanding what it meant to be "lovers" that I thought this way.

For our first date, Tenn-nii brought me to watch a musical. It was the same one which I had wanted to see as a child but was unable to because I was hospitalised. During the entire show save for the intermission, Tenn-nii held my hand in his, weaving his fingers with mine. It was dark and no one could see us, which I was grateful for as my face then must have been redder than a ripe tomato. I was barely able to focus on the performance and my attention was directed towards Tenn-nii instead, who seemed pleased with this. It may be dark, but his smug expression was easy to spot when we were sitting so close to one another. After the show he took me out for a simple dinner at a nearby eatery of my choosing; I did not want him to pamper me even more by treating me to an expensive dinner.

It was a bit sad to have to bid him farewell when he had walked me to the front door of the dormitory. I certainly did not expect to be sent off with a goodbye kiss on the lips, but it made me flustered enough to forget about missing him.

After that, we had many other dates. Sometimes we would go places, like theme parks or aquariums; it could even something as simple as window shopping at a mall. There were other times when they would hang out in my room, watching a rented movie or just spending some quiet time together, kissing and cuddling too. We rarely go further than that, and I was fine with that. However, Tenn-nii always came over as he seemed reluctant to bring me to that man… Kujou's place. I could understand how he felt so I never questioned his decision.

It took me a while to realise that it was strange how we managed to get so many off-days together. However, I did not dwell on the thought, as being able to spend time with him was more important. It was only much later that I found out that he had asked our manager to schedule my off-days to match his.

It made me a little angry to learn that he had been plotting things behind my back, but still, it made me happy to know that he was doing it for me.

When we first established our relationship, I had no intention of telling anyone about it. Even if we now have different surnames, the fact that we were related by blood, born from the same parents, would never change. Society would not accept this, and us being idols would make the news even more scandalous than it already would be.

However, without me saying, almost everyone else found out. Yamato-san, Mitsuki, and Nagi were sharp and had figured it out on their own. Sougo-san and our manager had their suspicions but did not say anything. Surprisingly, even Tamaki found out, saying something along the line of, _"Rikkun and Ten-Ten really like each other, so it's fine."_

Iori was the only one who did not suspect a thing, and when I was confronted with the topic by Yamato-san, he looked so shocked that I thought he was going to faint. However, he did not say anything bad about or against it, telling me that he was fine with it as long as I was happy. It made me think how blessed I was to have such wonderful group-mates.

On TRIGGER's side, both Yaotome-san and Tsunashi-san took a while to learn of the situation. I thought it was a bit queer how Yaotome-san mentioned to me during a recording for a music programme about how Tenn-nii seemed to be different, happier out of late. Tsunashi-san also said something about how brothers should get along well with one another. It was Yamato-san who spilled the beans later when they were out drinking, which Tenn-nii was not thrilled about. However, since the two did not say much about it the entire matter was dropped.

Life went along well, perhaps too well for the both of us. We were happy, and that was all it mattered. However, looking back, we may have taken those peaceful days for granted.

Kujou allowed for our parents to handle both Tenn-nii's funeral and burial. As such, his remains were buried in the Nanase family grave. I still hate him, as do my parents for taking their older son away, but we were all grateful for this small act of graciousness. He was allowed to attend both the wake and funeral because of this. Before he left, he remarked about how it was a pity that the entertainment industry lost such a young talent. Despite his cold words, there was also sadness in his eyes.

Since then, it has been almost a month. Since returning from the burial, I rarely left my room, except to use the washroom or if I was thirsty. Mitsuki and Sougo-san were kind enough to bring me my meals if I reject their offers to eat together. It was hard to stomach anything since I did not feel hungry, but I still forced myself to eat.

This was better than the first few days when I was unable to eat anything at all. Iori got furious at me and threatened to break down my door just to drag me out. I did not know why, but I yelled back at him, nearly starting a fist fight. Fortunately, everyone was around and came to intervene. Tamaki and Nagi had to physically stop us. After that, Mitsuki went to handle Iori while Yamato-san came to talk to me. I knew it was hard for him to reprimand me when I was feeling down, the reason why everyone was treating me carefully, but it made me realise that I had made everyone worried. Now I try my best to avoid that, but it was difficult.

I still find it hard to sleep. Whenever I close my eyes, Tenn-nii's face would appear. His smiles, frowns, sad and angry faces as a child, teenager, and adult. His pained and shocked expression as he was stabbed. The last smile he gave me as he reached for my hand. The quiet, expressionless face of his corpse. It felt as if I was viewing an album full of his pictures, one which loops endlessly without no end.

He never fails to appear in my dreams, too. I would be brought back to the past when he was still alive. Each dream is different. Sometimes it would be when we were children, playing together or at the times he came to visit me at the hospital. At other times when we were performing together, with our respective groups on the same stage. There were even dreams when we were on a date, spending time together by ourselves or when we were having sex.

In each dream, Tenn-nii was kind and gentle, but all of them had the same ending. At some point, when I was feeling like the happiest person in the world, I would see Tenn-nii with a knife in his abdomen. The bleeding would not stop, staining his skin and clothes. Yet that Tenn-nii would be wearing a sad smile, like an angel's, as he reaches out.

He would call out my name dearly, telling me that he was sorry and that he loves me.

It would be followed by my scream, of despair and horror from losing him. At this point I would always wake up, covered in cold sweat. There were times when I was woken up by someone else as I had also been yelling in my sleep, often Nagi who was still awake watching anime.

It frightens me so much that I became afraid to sleep. Yet there was nothing else to do. Reading was impossible because I could not concentrate on the words, and there was nothing on television that was of interest. I had no interest in anything outside the building either, which was why I did not bother leaving it. I did ask the manager to schedule some work for me, at least to keep me occupied, but with my current state, I was not allowed to do any work. As I have said, I was no longer able to remain an idol.

As Tenn-nii always says, being an idol is to bring smiles and dreams to our fans, to those who cheer for us and support us in every way. An idol who can no longer smile... whose heart as died is no longer able to do that. Knowing this the president forbade me from taking any jobs but had allowed me to help Banri-san in the office instead.

Despite his kind smile, I know he was disappointed in me. After all, I failed his expectations. I failed our manager, who worked so hard to make Idolish7 what it is today. I failed Banri-san, who worked equally hard for us. I failed everyone else in the group, who did their best as idols, for the sake of each other and for our fans. I failed all the staff members who put so much effort to make us shine. Momo-san and Yuki-san, who had been so nice. I failed Yaotome-san and Tsunashi-san, who treated us well even though we were rivals. Most of all, I failed Tenn-nii, who put his everything into being the perfect idol.

Each day just passed as it is, with no meaning or anything special. It was just another round of the sun rising and setting; just "another day" to me. There was just nothing to look forward to, nothing to make me feel that life was worth living anymore.

Now that he was no longer around... I do not know what to do, or what I should do anymore.

It was like the time he left home to go with Kujou. Until then, he had always been by my side. When he left I was lonely and sad. However, at that time, there was still a small spark of hope that I would be able to see him again.

When I saw him again on television four years later, it was felt like I was looking at a different person. He had grown so much, looking more of a man than I was. He had always been mature for his age, but comparing myself to him I felt that I was still like a child. And his voice... it had deepened just like mine, yet the sound of it was so nostalgic. Knowing that he was well filled me with joy and the desire to be with him... to have him by my side once more.

This time, it is different.

Tenn-nii will never return to my side. I would never be able to see his smile again. He would not be able to hold my hand again. I will not be able to feel his warmth again through a tight embrace. He can no longer sing, on stage or just for me. He will no longer call out my name. I will never be able to tell him how much I love him anymore.

All these thoughts are enough to drive me mad, from the despair of being behind by him.

Tenn-nii... I want to see you again...

_"Riku... I'm sorry..."_

Why did you have to apologise at that time, as your last words to me?

It wasn't your fault at all. You didn't ask for someone to kill you, you didn't choose to die.

Why did it have to be you?

Why wasn't it Yaotome-san or Tsunashi-san?

Why wasn't it Iori, or Yamato-san or Mitsuki or Tamaki or Sougo-san or Nagi?

Why wasn't it Momo-san or Yuki-san?

Why couldn't it be someone else, some other idol when there are so many of them?

Why?

Why... Why wasn't it me who was killed instead of you?

You were my first and only love. The first night after you left was so hard to live through. I thought I'd never be able to make it through, yet I did.

I thought the world... my world would just stop after I had lost you. Yet it still goes on, it hasn't paused even for a fraction of a second.

I thought that I would die the moment you did. I thought I'd never survive. Yet I am still alive.

Despite feeling that I had lost everything, that every part of me had been broken and destroyed, I'm still here and, by a certain definition, fine.

Just... without you.

Alone.

Say, Tenn-nii.

Do you remember the story mom told us when we were kids? It's the one about how when people die and go to heaven, they become a star. You used to call me silly for thinking that I would soon become a star that winter night we gazed at the dark sky from my bed in the hospital. We promised, didn't we, that if we were to become stars we would do so together.

You also promised the night you proposed to me, didn't you? That we will always be together no matter what happen. That you would never leave me again. That you would give me your everything. That you'll make me the happiest person in the entire world.

You broke those promises. You were made to break them. Whichever it is, it doesn't matter. Not anymore.

Even tonight, the night sky is full of stars. They're hard to see because it's always so bright in Tokyo, but they are most definitely up there.

And you are, too, now that you've become one.

Tell me, Tenn-nii.

Tell me what to do.

Tell me what I should do.

Tell me how to make this pain in my chest stop. No matter what I do, it hurts. It's nothing like the attacks I had suffered before. There's no medicine that can make this pain go away.

Tell me how to make my heart feel lighter. It's so heavy that I can barely breathe anymore.

Tell me how to smile again, the way you would to hide your sadness and tears.

Tell me how to forget about you, how to pretend that you were never part of my life. The mere thought of you makes me sad, yet I could not even shed a tear.

Tell me... Just tell me how I should continue living without you by my side.

Please.

I don't know what I should do anymore.

Perhaps...

Just perhaps...

If I became a star too, would I be freed from this despair? Would I be able to see you again? Would I be able to be with you? Would you hold my hand once more?

No.

Maybe.

Yes.

I don't know.

I don't know anything anymore.

I'm tired of this.

All I want is to see you again, is that too much to ask for?

Tenn-nii...

Wait for me, okay? I'll be coming for you now...

"You idiot!"

Eh? Iori...?

"I tried not to say anything because you've been so unlike yourself, but to go to this extent...! Really, how much of an idiot can you be?! Just snap out of it already!"

Iori is crying... is it because of me? Or is he crying for me?

"Are you listening, Nanase-san? Do you have any idea how much we have all been worried about you? Oosaka-san keeps worrying that you weren't eating properly. Rokuya-san even stays up for you until late on purpose in case you wake up from your nightmares and need someone to comfort you. Big brother is always trying to come up with new ideas on how to bring back your smile, yet you keep your heart completely closed. Yotsuba-san always leaves you pudding at your door, hoping that you would eat it and get better. Even that Nikaidou-san is worried enough that he actually screwed up during work! Yaotome-san and Tsunashi-san have been calling to check up on you, but can never reach your phone. Yet here you are trying to end your own life! There has to be some limit to your foolishness, you know!"

"... Why did you stop me?"

"Hah? Isn't it obvious? Because you're an important person to me! You don't know this, but you're important to all of us. Not just as the centre of Idolish7, but as an important comrade and friend! Kujou-san may be important to you... the most important person in the world, in fact. But that doesn't mean that there aren't any other people who think of you the same way! Even for me, I think of you as someone prec..."

Iori paused then as if taking back the words he did not intend to say before he spoke them.

"Either way! Please, open your eyes, ears, and heart to us, Nanase-san. We are all here for you. You're are not alone. I'm sure Kujou-san wouldn't want you to do something so foolish, either. So, please, don't be sad anymore. Please be the Nanase-san we all love and care about once more."

I hate to admit it, but Iori was right.

Tenn-nii would not have wanted me to be like this. He would have told me to keep smiling, to keep living. With or without him.

I really was stupid.

I do not know why, but I reached out to Iori, hugging him. His body tensed as he squeaked out my name. "N-Nanase-san?"

"Thank you... Iori."

For the first time since Tenn-nii died, I finally cried. I poured my entire heart out, one month's worth of sadness and grief as I wept like a child. Iori said nothing else but pat my back gently to comfort me.

Tenn-nii, I'm the one who should be sorry.

From now on, I'll do my best to keep going, to keep living so please watch over me until the day I die.

Only then will I be able to be with you once more.

I love you.

Then, now and always.

**\- END -**


End file.
